The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
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We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
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my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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