In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
