It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
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I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
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You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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