I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
