those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I party with great urgency now.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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