so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
