i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
