So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I don't think brook has ever known best
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
