My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
