I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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