I wanna bring you to show and tell
someone threw a dead crab at me
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
