I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
