I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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