She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
