woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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