I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
of course. lets lasso hookers.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
