I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
