Your face is a jimmy john
i was born a porn star she said
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
