I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
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