i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
