Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.