Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
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Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
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I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow