The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.