Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Randomize
Follow @tfln