Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs