if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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