Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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