Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We were destined to go to rehab together
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
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