I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
