all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
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while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
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I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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