Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
