I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
