just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
