Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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