Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
