I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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