How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
