If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
