3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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