we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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