WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
