Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
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You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
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I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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