OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
