The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
