I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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