also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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