I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
