I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
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