Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
