Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
