i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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