how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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