First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
