Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
