I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
A+ Viking dick
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
