You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
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I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
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I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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